The Truth
By Virginia Carraway Stark
After the last blog I published I had a roaring response from my family who were angered that I dared to talk about the abuse I had suffered. The responses fall into the chart of classic abuse to perfection.
The minimized, denied and blamed me for the abuse. One member of my ‘family’ said that it wasn’t any wonder Katy shunned me because I dared to talk about the abuse. The messages sent to me by family who were suddenly made aware of my blog was phenomenal. They attempted to intimidate me, threaten me, call me names, abuse me emotionally and to shun me.
I don’t think they realized how that made me feel because it let something loose inside of me. It was like it was the midnight hour and someone called out, ‘Unmask, unmask’ and all their true monstrous faces were revealed. There was no more idea that these people were my friends or family. They uniformly seemed to think that I was mentally ill for talking about the abuse. They all claimed to know my family so well that they would know better than I, who lived in it and was horribly treated by the people who were supposed to love and protect me.
The rallying cry of those who would protect my drunken abusive stepmother was (briefly) deafening. Some of the people were so ashamed of themselves that they actually posted from accounts labelled as, ‘fakeemail’. Others used their real names and as I read their comments I smiled because they had unmasked. When I was little they had never helped me and now that I am speaking up they use all the tricks abusers use to silence their victims.
My half-sister ordered me to take down everyone of my blogs (as if she has any right to order me to do anything). She sent me the first message she had sent in years where she demanded that I not be allowed to speak any of these words. She claimed that they are defamation but there is only truth in every word. To every relative of mine who sent me intimidating, hateful messages all I have to say is: where were you when I needed you? Why did you protect my stepmother and why do you continue to do so?
The best thing I ever did was run away from all of my family. They were so angry with me, they made a big production of ‘forgiving’ me all the while knowing what they had done to me. Anyone who looked at me SHOULD have known what was going on and NO ONE offered to help me. No wonder they are so angry at me for speaking now. If they didn’t feel so guilty maybe they wouldn’t feel so angry.
How dare I speak The Truth? How dare I tell my story? I dare because I am strong. I dare because what was done to me was wrong. I dare because of all the messages I have received saying, ‘thank you for sharing, you are a sister to me. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone.’
Shame on all of you who see abuse and don’t stop it. Double shame on you when you hear about it and you blindly run to defend the abuser. You are no family of mine. You are very evil people to hear the truth and to not even for a minute say, “Could this be true?”. I know that you know how Judy behaved, how she would pass out on beds in the second hand store, how she would pass out on the street. You saw her drunken benders and you even have likely heard that she hit my dad and he had to call the police to stop her from hitting him. She was a monster and YOU KNEW IT.
You become monsters yourself for covering up for her. Trying to tell people I’m crazy when there are police reports, social services reports, witnesses, the list goes on and on. It’s intimidation and it shows you to be abusive. When Katy messaged me it was a threat plain and simple: take down your blog or I’ll start a war against you. She was metaphorically putting a gun to my head plain and simple, the same way her mother did when she would threaten me to stay quiet…or else.
It’s midnight now and the monsters have unmasked. I’m grateful to you all for showing me your true natures. I won’t be silenced, I have memory and I will tell my story. Your insistence that I stop just tells me that I am doing the right thing and that you are as evil as she was in your own special way, even if that way was in being silent. Thanks to all of your anger at me for speaking the truth I feel so free. I feel free to tell even more of the truth, to go into even more of the details and to help other survivors of abuse in any way I can.
Stopping the silence helps stop the violence. The cycle continues until someone decides that it is wrong and speaks up. Speak Truth! It will set you free. God bless you!
Yes! It isn’t out of anger or ‘jealousy’ as one person oddly accused me of that I wrote these words. It is because staying silent condones the actions and creates a victim out of me. Bless you as well!
That is so right. The silence keeps you a victim but speaking empowers you. I pray that one day they will understand.
Those that know and do nothing are equally criminal. It takes great strength to speak the truth especially when so called ‘family’ are the criminals who one speaks of. You suffer not only as child, alone, attacked in constant pain, terror and confusion, but again as an adult when those who were to love and protect you…didn’t, then attack you all over again.
It is a rare person who possesses the character to admit to such horrors, say’s ‘I’m so sorry,’ with true sorrow, and does whatever possible to make amends. It is abuse all over again because they lack the qualities of compassion towards others, especially a family member. I am sorry that you must suffer the abandonment of those who should be gathering around you with love but chose to sacrifice you instead. You know what is right and that may have to be enough.
Thank you, this is so kind. One person who shared my post said, ‘anyone who doesn’t have compassion for Virginia when they read this must be a sociopath’. Those words have been haunting me as I thought of all those who were so angry with me for speaking.
It’s a hard road to walk alone, but one I have had to walk, and many others too. You are strong to speak the truth, strong and so very special.
I feel everybody faces their ‘midnight hour’ sooner or later. It’s how we respond to it and continue on with our futures that makes all the difference. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again – I admire you so much, for your strength and all the values I’ve seen you personify since I’ve known you. Having the courage to speak for yourself is the courage others need to free themselves. Don’t let anybody stop you. (p.s. I’m still brainstorming ideas for a joint project)
I haven’t had a chance to brainstorm a joint project yet but I bet whatever you or we figure out will be awesome cool! Thanks so much, this midnight hour has set me free. I don’t even regret that I came back into contact with them because I’ve learned so much about them and myself from the experience. Plus of course, now I have so much more to write!
Reblogged this on The Book, Body, and all things Beneficial Revue and commented:
I, too, have a memory. I support your right to speak against your abusers. This is the only way you can ever heal. Don’t expect them to ever admit to the truth. They probably won’t. But I believe you. I know how it is to have people blame you for the abuse, to call you a liar, etc. I empathize with you. I understand. Your family is WRONG. You are RIGHT.
I added a comment and reblogged this. I believe you. You are right to talk about the abuse and the abuser. This is the only way you’ll heal. Don’t expect your family to admit they are wrong. My family still hasn’t; many don’t. Know that you are in the right here. Focus on your own healing and go forward with your life.
Thank you Michelle, the hate storm from my ‘family’ has been oddly freeing. It has made me feel so right about every decision I ever made in my life. Your kind words are greatly appreciated.
Reblogged this on virginiastark.